Embracing Failure - A Message from our Middle School Guide

Dear Parents,

Within weeks of my youngest son's high school enrollment last fall, I found myself addicted to a crack-like website called Veracross,  the high school's online gradebook.

 

Oh, yes. And you're absolutely right. I should've known better.

 

After all, we don't offer this access at Abintra because we firmly embrace independence and the necessity of failure in the formation of functioning, vibrant adolescents who will be equipped to take on the challenges of the world.

 

The philosophy of Abintra encourages parents and guides to never do for children what they can do for themselves, and to be comfortable with the process and the uncertainty of the journey, not focused on perfection or a prize.

 

Yet.

 

I found myself logging in daily. In the afternoon, my son was more likely to be greeted with a pointed inquiry about a missing math assignment as he climbed into the car instead of a simple hello. Dinner conversation would steer to Veracross: "Exactly how does one manage a C in PE?"  

 

This went on for a few weeks. Miserable weeks, I must add, that did nothing to improve my son's learning, support his adaptive skills, or strengthen our relationship. Finally, the center could not hold. My son clearly articulated to me as only a teenage boy can that this Veracross stalking was not helpful, and it had to stop.

 

He was right. I quit the 'Cross cold turkey, only logging in when alerted that progress reports were ready to view. It was a painful withdrawal--for me, not him. 

 

Because we care deeply about our children and want the best for them, our need and desire to see them succeed can be the very obstacle to their authentic success.

 

Getting out of our children's way requires us truly to embrace that we cannot make our children do anything, and their inevitable, numerous failures are a necessary, healthy part of life, not a judgment on our parenting.

 

We love them so fiercely, and parenting exposes the most vulnerable part of our hearts. It's painful to watch them struggle, especially when it reminds us of our own past, or causes us to fear judgment when we all know we're doing the very best we can.

 

Brene Brown, a research professor who studies vulnerability, courage, and worthiness, speaks about our culture's "shame-based fear of being ordinary." Fueled by social media, where we see carefully curated (and edited) lives, we come to believe everyone else is leading extraordinary, failure-free adventures with their valedictorian children.  Social media preaches that failure is for the ordinary. And ordinary is embarrassing at best, shameful at the worst.

 

It's time to rethink ordinary. A sunset occurs every single day on earth, yet every one is unique and beautiful, and possesses the power to take your breath away--and it's a perfectly ordinary event. Finding the joy in every day life, uncovering the gifts and strengths held in our hearts, working hard for its own reward, engaging with the world with thoughtfulness and compassion--if this is ordinary, then ordinary is a sublime, deep place from which to lead an authentic life.

 

Our children need us. There's much we do that is essential to their well-being. They need us to set clear boundaries and reasonable expectations. They need to know we love them exactly the way they are. And they need us to get out of their way of failure and struggle. Because failure and disappointment happen, and there's nothing we can do about it--except teach, model, and encourage resilience.

 

The middle school is reading William Golding's classic novel Lord of the Flies. We are focusing on several themes this novel explores. The most important one by far is, How capable are children? 

 

Your children will be challenged to think about how capable they are and are being encouraged to be "big" and step up to the plate in middle school.  I challenge all of us as parents to try the following: 

 

Pay attention to all the things you do for your children and ask yourself--

• Why am I doing this?
• Are they capable of doing this for themselves? (If so, teach them.)
• What would happen if I didn't do this for them?

(Try this the next time they forget their lunch. Don't provide a rescue meal. I promise they won't starve. )

And it's always helpful to stay off Veracross.